A couple of months ago I wrote a tongue-in-cheek list of the types of clients who get charged my Irritation Fee – and I called it “You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough.” It’s currently the most-read post on this entire blog, mostly because we can all relate to it. We’ve all had those kind of clients, haven’t we? The ones who make you never want to bake another cake or macaron, the ones who make you doubt yourself, the ones who irritate you and get under your skin and frankly, just piss you right off.
Some of you left me some hilarious comments – naming a few types of clients I’d missed. Of course since writing that post a few more have come to mind so I thought I’d share some new little gems with you. Plus, like it says above, it’s not always rainbow sprinkles in here and it’s about time we took a moment to have a laugh (or ten.)
Clients I want to THROW rainbow sprinkles at:
- The ‘Desperate Till Dollars’ client: the one who calls you in a total panic because she either forgot she had a party for 100 people happening tomorrow, got let down by another cake maker (or claims she did), or frankly just plan forgot to order her cake. She’s totally desperate, needs it exactly one minute from now, and the order has a details list as long as your arm. She’ll beg, plead, demand, whine, ask and wheedle until you agree to make it on short notice. As soon as you tell her the price, she suddenly finds she “needs to speak to her husband about it” and will never call you back. Your phone grows cobwebs while waiting for her call.
- The ‘Unique and Different’ client: she will make you crazy from a design point of view and a flavour point of view, because she needs to impress ALL her friends by being different and original and special. You’ll pull out ALL your baking superpowers to please her and give her something different, and you’ll agree to trying things you’ve never tried before in her quest to be the best Real Housewife she can be….and then she’ll order a round, chocolate cake which looks exactly like the ones her friend ordered last week because ‘everybody likes chocolate, right?”
- The ‘You Decide’ client: She hands you two designs and can’t pick between the two, so in the end says, “I can’t decide. They’re just both so amazing. YOU decide.” Against your better judgement, you decide on one. She doesn’t like your decision…but nor does she like her own decision, either. Best to give up here, she’ll never win (nor will you).
- The “Is it moist?” client: She asks you what your best selling flavour is, ask you what flavour is your favourite, and then insults you totally by saying, “But is it moist? All cakes are dry, aren’t they? I don’t want a dry cake.” Or my personal favourite, “Is your cake nice to eat?” Umm…no, lady, I sell crappy dry cake AND I tell my clients that it’s crappy and dry. WTH?
- The “Complainer” client: She comes to you with endless complaints about other companies who did her wrong, whose cake sucked, whose service was bad, who charged her too much, blah blah blah and she is hoping that YOU are the one who will represent the entire industry and turn all her other experiences around. Rest assured you can create her the world’s most amazing cake and give her the most amazing service, but next year she’ll be complaining about you to someone else.
- The “Progress Report” client: she calls you. A LOT. To check how you’re doing, how the product is progressing, to make sure you’ve got the details right, to see if you’re done yet, to see if you’ve started yet, to see if you remembered the shade of blue, just to “check in.” You want to say to her, “Seriously lady – it’s a dozen cupcakes. GET A GRIP.”
- The “She Who Must Be Obeyed” client: She won’t take no for an answer. It doesn’t matter what you tell her (you’re booked out that week, you do not make orange cakes, you do not make penis cakes) – she’s convinced that for HER, you’ll do anything. Including make her a cake the same week you are on vacation, in a flavour you don’t offer, in a shape you don’t make. Because, you know, it’s her cake.
- The “I Know What I’m Talking About” client: she went to another company and got a quote on a cake, and she’s now shopping around this idea to everyone else. So she emails or calls asking for things with very specific industry specific information she clearly does not understand – “How much does a 12″ cake cost?” “Well, depends a bit on design. Tell me, how many people do you need to feed?” “Ummmm…I’ve got 10 guests. I’m thinking 12″ will be enough, right?” I’m not sure where these kinds of people get their information, but it’s always wildly out of proportion to what they need. The opposite is also true – “I just need something small, like 7″ or so? It’s for 280 people.” “I need faux tiers.” “Really? Why?” “Because this design requires them.”
- The “Nobody Eats Cake” client: I get this one daily! People who call and ask for quotes, hear the price, then assures me that NOBODY ever eats the cake, so they surely can get away with less cake? Yup, because at a wedding with 300 people it looks really fabulous if the cake is smaller than a lunchbox. Nobody eats it anyway, right? (Apparently this must be because all cake is dry, right?)
- The “Refund Me” client: either her husband saw the bill, or her sister insulted her choice of cake, or she needs a couple hundred bucks to pay for a new handbag. Either way, it only occurs to her to call and ask for a refund *weeks* after the cake has been delivered and eaten. Because, you know, it wasn’t cooked, or was crooked, or….whatever. She just wants (needs?) her money back.
What crazy clients have YOU had lately?